Below are the 12 most recent journal entries recorded in Joe's LiveJournal:

Wednesday, March 30th, 2005
8:33 am	It was good day when i finally got home and i saw my sister from vermont that haven't seen in a while, and she said that me and here had to watch "queer eye for the texan guy", we didn't watch it, my stepdad and i didn't fight last night which was good and my mom didn't go to work so we actually had a meal. I get onto the bus and i start to think about what is going to happen today because alysa and i aren't talking of course, niether is amanda, kim, or kayleigh, and then when i came in to shop alysa acts like nothing happened and everything is all good in her own little world, her and kayleigh both talked about how much they have gone through in the PAST. That was in the past, i know it probably was a bad thing but, what i'm going through now is really bad, like i said my life is ruining right before my eyes. and i bet they want me to act like them and act like everything is all right and, just like all happy-go-lucky and act like i'm happy, and smile like i justgot an injection of botox, like them. it kills me how alysa and i were best friends last year and this year she is acting totally different and it hurts me because she wasn't a snobby, happy 24/7, stuck-up, world revovling around her, bitch it gets me so mad. like she pisses me off and i can't act liek that because when i act that way to cover up my pain it makes me do some harmful things to myself, which i don't want to do, because it isn't good. i don't care if she had a bad experience when she was younger. now it seems like she can go anywhere she wans and she seems like she knows everything, and she is so hipocritical, and she wants to avoid drama, with other people, but she causes so much of it, she doesn't realize how much of it she causes, she brings it upon herself. Like if you know me you know i barely talk about people in mean ways but this time it is an exeption Current Mood: pissed off Current Music: coin-operated (8 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 29th, 2005
1:01 pm	yet again it has been a while It has been a while yet againbut things have been getting me mad because life is unfair, kayleigh and alysa basically team tagged me all at once, because they didn't read my journal and as you can read i wrote some things, and they're kind of true. but the thing is, is i told a lysa what i wrote and then kayleigh totally just got so protective. and she was like well ou don't know what other people's lives are like so you shouldn't compare your life to what someone said. well she should watch what she says. she makes it seem like i don't have feeling and that other peoples lives are bad, yea they are, but you shouldn't keep it in, aafter a while it gets to you and i'm sayibng this now that could really hurts you. like well what am i supposed to do just not have any emotions except happy like alysa and kayleigh, kim, and amanda, they are like never mad, or sad. LIke i have overcome a lot that is whyi don't keep anything in because when i did,i was very self-conscious, my life used to be so horrible and it still is becvauseit is there too much shit going on and i try my hardest to let it out. but it is hard, but i hate always acting happy that is how i always act happy not as much any more. but people say its good to be happy, but it isn't when your covering your pain, i have slit my wrists in the past at least three times, and very, very recently i was really close to , you don't understand how horrible it was and i 'm not gonna keep my feelings inside me, because it ' bad because you can't talk to anyone. and everybody says that me being is awesome, and it is, but there are things that aren't awesome about it, knowing the fact that i will never have the american family like there are in movies and all of those love songs, and kowing i won't be able to create a child with someone i love, and i won't be normal no matter what i will never be normal and it hurts so much and it drives me crazy, i can tell that i am a disgrace to my stepdad , not my mom but they all act different no body knows what it is like tyo be gay and it hurts so much being me by i can't change how i feel about my sexual orientation. and it hurts so much and it is really painful . alysa and the square get me so mad because you are so hipocritical and it just pisses me off and the way they acted about everything i bet that is a story behind a couple of them and i don't know it, so how am i sup[posed to reract when they bitch over stupid little shit like everything. you know what they truly piss me off so i have had enough!!!!!!! ENOUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Current Mood: depressed Current Music: MAMA (SUNG BY MY MOM) (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, March 28th, 2005
10:00 am	Okay I may have been a little harsh about the comments about people i left there but i truly care for them it is just that the smallest things would piss me off, because it was a stupid thing to get mad about, but thr thing is , id that anything would piss me off, so i apologize to you (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, March 18th, 2005
8:45 am	wow so much has happened in the past 2 hours that it is shocking how this much drama can fit into a 24 hour time span. Like issues than between friends family, it's a ll falling apart. Like backtracking to wednesday afternoon, i stayed after for mrs. davis and then i asked to stay till six, which i did and i watched the drama rehearsal and i was getting really uppset and sad and emotional. it was hrrible knowing the fact that i wasn't up there and acting is something i want to do as a career and watching them rehearse even if it wasn't the best it was really sad. Then yesterday i was on the morning announcements which was extremely fun to do because it was me and nikki. Oh wait... on wednesday me and ron got in a fight over POPCORN what ther hell is up with that, i was home for five minutes and i had like 6 pieces of popcorn he assumed that i got the popcorn alkl over the floor and when he tld me to pick it up because i probably made the mess, i asked why because i had 6 pieces. He is so fucking diffucult. and back to yesterday nikki and rich were fighting and i had to be between it because they are both my friends and it was so hard to try to help because like i said they both are my friends and right before we all left to go home nikki and rich are fighting cuz nikki kicked him in the balls. but alysa and everyone else were staring at them like they were some fucked up jerry springer couple, so i yelled. does everybody mind not watching them fight and alysa got mad and bitchy because i somewhat focused my attention on her. and alysa started getting mad at me and strting fighting between the both of us. and then i go to chris's and then dance which was really fun. But then i go home and my stepdad was like, i thought you were grounded and then i said i can't miss a day of dance because i just couldn't . then i went down stairs and wached the oc. i came upstairs and i asked if i could still go to ashleys party on friday and he was like no. i got mad and we got into a fight and i got really really mad and it was more like me talking becaus he doesn't pay attention and he sits there playing his fucking guitar. that fucking guitar. he wouldn't talk and when he did he would play his guitar. i went back down stairs and then i went back upstairs and me and him were talking and then next thing u knew was that he told me that i was rude, annoying and obnoxious and a couple other things and them i told him that he shouldn't say things like that cuz that could screw someone up and make them feel bad about themselves. i went to bed. crying. then this morning i come into school and me alysa talked a little but then she starts to complain about her mom turnign off the heat in her houseand that pissed me off, because there are more bigger problems in the world then the fuking heat in your house being turned off. likle she, amanda, kayleigh, and kim are always so fucking happy, and it pisses me off they are happy twenty for seven, and they complain about the stupidist things like their hair or clothes and really stupid shit when i am experienceing an emotional fucking breakdown, my mom is think believing everyword that he is aying which half the time are lies and i might be kicked out of my ouse and alysa is complaining about eight hours withoutheat when my life is falling apart and all of them (manda, lik, kayleigh) are all complaining about stupid little things. pisses me off Current Mood: pissed off at everything in t Current Music: california (phantom planet) (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, March 16th, 2005
9:01 am	Hey < haven't wrote in a while Hey people, how r all of u, i have met someone else but we probably don't have a future because he does want a relationship, but i still really want to be friends, things aren';t doing to well, my parents found my cell phone and now they have taken it "hostage", my dreams of being an actor are trying to be comleted by me, and i have a certain friend who seems to be hiding something from me and, i love her like a sister and she won't say anything, and it just upsets me, because i want her to be happy, my grades suck and i really can't do anything about them, and i ask my family why everybody thinks i'm so smart, and the thing is, is i don't understand what everybody means, like everybody says i have an amazing memory and just because i can remember like a million things like the donner party, and a whole bunch of things involving history and i remember a lot of things, and my mom and my sister say that i have a an amazing memory and they wish that they have a memory like mine, but if i'm so smart why doesn't it show, like everybody says that i have the potential to get good grades and i truly don't believe it, who cares if i have a great memory, i don't know and lately i just hate almost everything and everything is making me hat life, (don't worry i'm not going to hurt myself), i've done that twice i don't want to that again. like i don't have respect and trust at my house but i have yo go, before mr. bean see me Current Mood: pessimistic Current Music: sound of music (julie Andrews) (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, March 2nd, 2005
10:58 am	bored hey not having school yesterday was awesome i spent all day watching movies and tv, okay i should've done something productive but my house is so boring. Things w/ me and ron aren't escalating because he wasn't home on monday evening because he stayed at my grandparents so he wouldn't get stuck in the snow, that's too bad, not. everything is going ok in my life haven't seen CJ in a while but i need to get over with him so i can't think about him. Ana Velarde said she is gonna hook me up w/ someone but got to go. Current Mood: tired alot Current Music: What'll i do (linda ronstadt (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, February 28th, 2005
10:25 am	wow it's been a long time Hey it has been such a long time since i wrote in this, but the things that are new are i and i'm so close to moving out because i just can't stand my stepdad, my life would be so much better if it wasn't for his criticism and his smart ass remarks. there will be no more up date on CJ because i have decided to get over him because i don't need someon like him in my life. I can't deal with almost anything anymore because it is just too painful, my family life is horrible, my love life is horrible, my relationships with everyone except my friends are going wrong. My mom, seems mad at me at times, my stepdad and i just won't stop fighting because we can't get along, it's like i just can't deal with him, and he says if i just shut up everything would be al right and i know that is wrong because the way he acts, the way goes about things, like when i wanted to go to amanda's house he wouldn't answer yes or no, he would just say "didn't your mother tell you to clean out you desk drawers." and i would get mad because he wouldn't say yes or no just, that. and that gets me so mad and we start fighting and then he said you need to give me respect and i told him that "i needed to give you respect? you needed to give me respect." he acts like he is god and like he can control eveything he wants, and he says that i always have to get my way, i am really thnking maybe i should move to my dads house in worcester, but i got to go before mr. bean catches me Current Mood: ron isan asshole Current Music: Someone to watch over me (linda ronstadt (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, February 15th, 2005
3:17 pm	where can i begin hi, My weekend was spent at my work i worked twenty hours this weekend, not to boad, but i uusual work a lot less, it was busy at work an d a whole bunch of people were being proposed to and there were a whole bunch of couple's saying how much they love each other and how much they meant to each in their lives, but as i watched all of this, it made me think of how lonely i've been. I mean i hate being lonely i feel like i'm the only one who cares about myself, and i wish i had someone in my life that cared about me and i had someone to lean on. *update on CJ* Valentines day was a wreck i was so nervous, because i woke upo at five in the morning just toi write hima notew that expressed my feelings toward, obviously he knew i liked him, but it would meake me feel better if i told him and that note was the whol purpose of it, and i also decided that i wasn;t going to keep my emotions hidden anymore because almost, literally it is tearing me apart, and believe tht i would be happier if i was able to let people know how i felt and i also thought that since i haven't been showing my feelings that my friends were my friends for the wrong reasons (i was wrong they are still my friends). back to him, so this note explain why i wrote the note, that i had a crush on him, and reasons why i liked him, but after that note i also added that he should write back just so i know how he feels. but a day later he didn;t write back, so i wrote him again, and i only wrote a sentence that mentioned about the note on v-day. i also mentioned that we should hangout since we have a half-day. in this second note, i asked how he was and the fact that we haven't "talked" in a while and the fact that we should truely hangout as a friend. but he recieved that note and said he would write back and he never did, and he said he wasn't "much of aa writer" which i know is fucking bullshit, because WE wrote notes back and forth and know it seems like he doesn't want to be friends, and we haven;t talked much since i helped him on his english project, all it could of took was five or seven sentences about the notes. i found out that he and i friend of mine did some things involving her hand and then his hand to her(in sexual way), and once they were through, she asked "so i guess we are boyfriend and girlfriend" and he said "oh no, i don't want a relationship i just wnat to be friends", what is up with that you must have a really good friendship maybe even love to do that. what type of guy does that tosomeone, myabe i should start to believe what everyone says, that i could do better than him, because he seems like he is avoiding me, and he is avoiding my friend who had a sexual experience with him. and he probably doesn't know that he hurts so many people, like i have been chasing him for such a while, and i know he likes guys but he won't admit it, and he just doesn't want to be friends any more, and i understand that he probably wants to keep everything secret because he has a tough guy reputation at school. but i'm GAY and he should know that he could trust ME with a secret if he was bi. he is so stupid lately if he keeps on ignoring me any more, i'm gonna lose, i'm not even going out with him and he he's driving me so fucking crazy, why doesn't he understand that i don't care if he;s gay or isn't or bi, i want him to know that i still want to b e friends, i truely think that i should give up, i need someone who is actually gay in my lifer and who i can have a good time with, and someone i can lean on. and right now in my mind and life, CJ SPARROW is not that, lately he is a FUCKING ASSHOLE, i spent too much chasing something i will never get, and i can't take it any more and i need to give up, lindsey warned me about this and i should have listened because here i am writing so much down about my aggression towards vbecause he hurt me, he has been toying with my emotioons and he has been screwing with my mind and he is, i don't understand how someone can be your friend and gets along with someone on a best friend level and the next minute he barely talks to you, that could totally fuck someone up, but seriuosly why would you do that, doesn't he feel a little bit guilty about it and i just can't deal with him, i need someone that is truly gay, and someone who isn't him, un;ess he gets his act together, and everyone asks what i see in him and i would say like a fucking lovesick child "i see a different side of himn that no one else probably knows" andi feel like i was being played and i feel horrible, i think everyone is right, cj says he has changed, and he admitted to me that he cheated on shayla (such a sweetheart) and he said he never would do that again, and he said he wanted a relationship, what a fucking lie!!!!!!!!!!!!!! he just wants sex and he doesn't know that there are actually people who would really care for him on a romantic level, and he blew them off he doesn't understand that some poeple actually care for him and he doesn't care, he should open his eyes and see that people don't need a sexual relationship to be happy. Another thing he has never answered my ? which was are you bi, he was beating around the bush, never said yes never said no, (i understand again that it takes balls to funally admit it, but it would make him and probably people around him much better and happier) and here i am writing a fucking novel about an asshole who i should forget and i should move on from, but i still will care for him for a while till i find someon else. but hopefully he will change and he will admit he's bi and actually like me, and if it is soon in the future and he is ready to tell me, i will be ready, i will still like him a lot, i truely do like him alot , but if he doesn't get his act together he would have lost out of the fun timmes we could have had, and miss out on me and i think and i nkow that i would give it my all to be a great boyfriend, hopefully my luckwill change and he and i will be together, but i have to say that life is not perfect and you can't always get what you want. now i have to go and watch a movie or something to relax. Current Mood: cj is a fucking asshole Current Music: "over" (lindsey lohan) (in this situation hopefully it isn't (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, February 11th, 2005
9:54 am	i'm bored today i'm writing because all most every body in the shop (well in the front row wants me too) so here it goes... today in shop it is really boring. Today we were supposed to havew a party but we night not b able to watch movie, which relly blows! Alysa (the coolest personthat i honestly have EVER met) brought in the Notebook, i brought in sweet home alamba, Miss Congeniality, Save hte last dance, Pirates of he Caribbean. This is realllly boring. OHHHH man were ordering Chinese food. i love eggg rolls. haha. *Update about CJ* - he noticed my haircut and said it looked really good. - hopefull sOmEtHinG will happen and he'll be my sweetheart for valentines day - my mom thinks CJ is really cute...Alysa doesnt know how she thinks about ...that! but alysa doesn't even know my mi madre, and everybody probably thinks that i'm going for alysa because she is mentioned too much in this and hopefdully everybody in the world knows that i'm gay!!! hint hint the name rainbowconnect Current Mood: energetic Current Music: i don't want miss a thing aerosmith (8 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, February 10th, 2005
1:07 pm	hand on my chest i'm back again, alysa hlarious comment, you want my hand on our chest akysa, only if i wasn't gay, right, back in october at the halloween dance there is a picture of me in a dress (2 Comments |Comment on this)
10:38 am	Computer room the computer room is pretty boring but, this what i'm probably going to school (college), valentines day is coming once again, and once again i'm gonna be alone, but at work, bussing tables, but hopefully i will get the guy i like (CJ) to go out with me because my best friend alysa says that he is a flaming homosexual like myself, but only one can wish, my friend casey made this truly touching dedication to the sophomores in the shop and it made me feel all happy inside and i really enjoyable, i g2g before mr. bean ;^( (no diet coke man) sees me Current Mood: wanting him Current Music: mr. brightside( now her hand is on his chest) (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 9th, 2005
3:06 pm	life sucks Today wasn't a bad day but today wasn't a good day eaither because a lot of shit is going on that i don't want to deal w/ for ex. my fucking stepdad and i have been fighting for so long, and he driving me crazy. my grandmother gave me a speech saying how lucky i am to have a stepdad like him, but once i think about it i wonder , what would life be like without ron? and i think if my mom married someone else would they be nicer than the asshole of a stepdad that i have now or would my mom still be single? but i still hate my step dad. and my mom told my dad some shit that i did and i saw him yesterday and it seemed that he was acting a lot different and it seemed that he was very uncomfortably being around me. and i'm working on valentines-day which doesn'r bother me that much b/c i'm not w/ any guy, i wish i was but it doesn't bother me that much. but there is a phrase that i believe in and that is :LIFE IS A BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Current Mood: bitchy Current Music: vindicated (3 Comments |Comment on this)